“Tuesday found me, …standing on the highway……………”

Today I feel so lost. I know the move is taking its toll on Faith and me, but I never thought it would be so intense. I feel so uninspired, unmotivated, tired (but sleeping too much) generally lazy and I’m beating myself up for it too. All I want to do is sit around all day with the girls, play guitar hero (when they’re napping), eat junk and drink “good” beer.
It seems to sooth my soul to watch them just sit in their swings smiling and cooing at the toys hanging down in front of them. Last night Lucy was so tired and fussy. All she wanted to do was sit in her Daddy’s lap, hold his hands and suck on her passy. Within 15 min she had been fed and was out for the count. That is an overwhelming feeling of pride and pressure when you realize how important your presence is to this tiny little person.
Training has become a chore, even though the results have been promising in spite of the no scheduled race plans. I think the fact that I now will have to withdraw from the Timberman race is making me very sad and disappointed. I feel like a failure in someway. Although, I know this is not the case and it is only because of this transition process and that my priorities are out of wack.

It seems daunting that I only have 3 full weeks felt in NY and it is breaking my heart. I feel like I’m walking out on a relationship, or something. I never thought it was going to be this difficult.

And my wife is such a trooper. I see daily, that it is getting tougher and tougher for her but she keeps pluggin away at packing boxes, never letting it show how hard it is for her. This includes packing up her classroom at a school where she has been for 8 yrs! I don’t see how she is doing it. It makes me love her even more and I never thought that would be possible.
I didn’t write this entry for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to try and makes sense of all these feelings I’m going through and writing about it helps that process. My stomach is starting to constantly churn from the nervousness I’m feeling and the guilt from not being able to do all the things that I wanted to before we left.
And I say all that to say this…….it’s HARD very HARD and I had no idea how hard and it just keeps getting harder everyday!

The images in the post were just a way fopr me to remember what I'm looking forward to....

I Shall Return!

Well, the small initial steps for moving have begun and now that it’s official, it actual packing that looms is causing me great dread and stress. When are they going to invent a teleport machine! However as the days count down to moving day I continue to get more and more excited about the next chapter in my life. The changes it will bring in life, my art, my training and ambition are all welcome challenges that will make me a better person, Dad and artist.

The girls are great! With the exception of general new parent issues and growing pains of a set of twins Lucile and Leola are growing by leaps and bounds by the second. This past Friday we celebrated their 8 weeks with a trip to the doctor for the first round of their shots. They were real troopers! One of the hardest things for us so far is to see them in pain and not be able to do anything but hold them. It’s so heart breaking to not be able to do anything but let them scream. Lucy was really constipated all weekend and she would just look at me with those blue eyes as if she was saying, ”please help me daddy”. It killed me!
Training is going really good. Except for having to cut some long bikes I’m moving right along. Right now with all the general stress, lack of adequate sleep and guilt from being away from the girls I feel that spending the day resting with the girls and help Faith is much better spent right now instead of a 7 hour bike ride. However, it will come a time in the training that fitting those in will be more crucial, currently it gives me more juice for my weekly workouts. This past week was week 4 of the May training cycle.

Monday
Swim/ Bike
3000 yrds/ 54 mile bike
Tuesday
OFF (stretched, used roller)
Wednesday

Run

11 miles

Thursday
Swim
4000 yrds (2x 1600 main)
Friday
BRICK
36 mi Bike/ 6 mile Run (HIM race pace)
Saturday and Sunday
OFF
Even though I was wiped out Friday after the BRICK, I felt good about the way body responded to the pace vs effort.
Tomorrow I will begin the process of cleaning out my studio and packing it up. I will be out of it in the next couple of weeks.
My friends here in New York have been SO supportive about the move and it warms my heart that they understand and wish me the best and hopefully miss me.
But I Shall Return!