Today I feel so lost. I know the move is taking its toll on Faith and me, but I never thought it would be so intense. I feel so uninspired, unmotivated, tired (but sleeping too much) generally lazy and I’m beating myself up for it too. All I want to do is sit around all day with the girls, play guitar hero (when they’re napping), eat junk and drink “good” beer.It seems to sooth my soul to watch them just sit in their swings smiling and cooing at the toys hanging down in front of them. Last night Lucy was so tired and fussy. All she wanted to do was sit in her Daddy’s lap, hold his hands and suck on her passy. Within 15 min she had been fed and was out for the count. That is an overwhelming feeling of pride and pressure when you realize how important your presence is to this tiny little person.
Training has become a chore, even though the results have been promising in spite of the no scheduled race plans. I think the fact that I now will have to withdraw from the Timberman race is making me very sad and disappointed. I feel like a failure in someway. Although, I know this is not the case and it is only because of this transition process and that my priorities are out of wack.
It seems daunting that I only have 3 full weeks felt in NY and it is breaking my heart. I feel like I’m walking out on a relationship, or something. I never thought it was going to be this difficult.
And my wife is such a trooper. I see daily, that it is getting tougher and tougher for her but she keeps pluggin away at packing boxes, never letting it show how hard it is for her. This includes packing up her classroom at a school where she has been for 8 yrs! I don’t see how she is doing it. It makes me love her even more and I never thought that would be possible.
I didn’t write this entry for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to try and makes sense of all these feelings I’m going through and writing about it helps that process. My stomach is starting to constantly churn from the nervousness I’m feeling and the guilt from not being able to do all the things that I wanted to before we left.
And I say all that to say this…….it’s HARD very HARD and I had no idea how hard and it just keeps getting harder everyday!The images in the post were just a way fopr me to remember what I'm looking forward to....
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5 comments:
No one has ever said change is easy. We all become creatures of habit. It is a hard and tough process to get through. Even though these last few weeks you have here in NY will probably be the hardest on you guys. You should look back on all the good things that it has brought into your lives.
I am sure there are lots of great memories that you will take with you... friendships that were made will survive if they are meant to be. No matter how far friends are from each other they are always close in one another's thoughts.
I am sure you guys will come back and visit one day with those beautiful girls of yours and tell them lots of stories about where they were born and see and do some of the things you ran out of time to do.
Never beat yourself up for being uninspired...it will pass and you will be back into this game called life, once you guys are settled into your new home and get the next chapter in your lives started.
Remember that there are lots of people wishing you guys well... so remember that when all this packing and transition is weighing heavy on you.
Wow that was a really long comment, but I am not trimming any of it out.
Agh, I hate that moving process; I have moved A LOT, most times voluntarily,occasionally with work. I hate leaving all that is familiar to me - I hate leaving shortcuts I've found, the small parks in unexpected places, the cool spots to relax. I find it hard to leave my friends, the weather I'v grown used, the scenery and hustle (or not) that I love. I start missing small obscure things before I've even left - going for a walk and seeing the same dog run towards me in greeting every day, the neighbour who waters her lawn at 6am each day - on and on the list goes, my brain becoming oversensitive to all that I'll leave behind. And it is hard when I first move - not knowing where I fit in, getting lost a few times until I learn my way around, establishing my new life and home surroundings...and then gradually, gradually I realise this place has its goods too, now I have knowledge of what I've left behind and this new place - often it takes me up to 2 years to really appreciate a new place. But I've found that EVERY place I've lived has had its pros and cons; I still miss parts of cities I've lived in the past, wish I could fit those parts into this current life. But I can't. And yet the thought of leaving where I've now been for SIX years (a PR) - Vancouver, BC - terrifies me, I LOVE this place! BUT the time may come in the next few years when I have to face that possibility - and I'll just have to remind myself of all I've learned with my past moves - I will grieve all that I will lose, I will promise myself I will retire here way down the track, I will take a year to learn/appreciate the new place - and soon I will find it hard to leave there too....such a tough cycle of loss and love - I wish you luck on your journey; there is a time for every new place and a reason (which you already know), try to focus on the positives in that reason to balance the grief somewhat. Phew, that's a long comment, should have had a "side blog" going!! Cheers
:( change is always so difficult. personally, i am TERRIBLE at any kind of change...even rearranging furniture. i really have to force myself to just deal with it. i hope you're able to enjoy the last bit of time you have living in new york, and i hope your move is a very happy, stress-free one! we just moved last week, so i know how overwhelming it can be!
Wow it has taken me a week to think about what you said so i can comment and we have only two weeks left. It is really getting difficult for me to leave my school family. I love the fact that I can walk down the hallway and kids I don't even know say hey to me. Or when I walk down the street of the "hood" and I am recognized and respected. There are so many things that we never did or took the opportunity to do while we were here. But as I am writing this I am hearing all the fun things we are not going to miss out on when we do move. This has been the toughest move so far and now that we are by ourselves it is going to be even harder. But as my best friend, Rosie always tells me "This too shall pass". And I will miss all of her encouragement words as well.
Wow it has taken me a week to think about what you said so i can comment and we have only two weeks left. It is really getting difficult for me to leave my school family. I love the fact that I can walk down the hallway and kids I don't even know say hey to me. Or when I walk down the street of the "hood" and I am recognized and respected. There are so many things that we never did or took the opportunity to do while we were here. But as I am writing this I am hearing all the fun things we are not going to miss out on when we do move. This has been the toughest move so far and now that we are by ourselves it is going to be even harder. But as my best friend, Rosie always tells me "This too shall pass". And I will miss all of her encouragement words as well.
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