I'm having a really tough start to the week. There is about 8 inches of snow on the ground and the reality of the future has smacked me square in the face! We sat down this morning and looked at what the next year of our life could possibly bring. We can't afford my studio rent and pay for child care. I will have to work as much as I can and being the realist I am, I have come to the understanding that I will in fact have to give up my studio as of May, when my lease runs out. All the hard work I put into giving KENDALLPROJECTS a home will be sacrificed to provide a more stable and reliable life for my girls. Yep, I have just made a selfless decision that signed the death sentence to, my hopes of remaining a working artist in NY. The hope of living in NY as an artist has all but vanished. As of May, except in the event of winning the lotto, or an act of god the doors of kendallprojects will be closed indefinitely. Until I can figure out a way for me to make art, help pay bills and make sure the girls are taken care of I will be packing up the sewing machine.
Whether this is truly the case or not, I feel like I have been wasting my time the last 8yrs, while lying to myself about my true chances of "making it" here! I have a degree that ultimately don't mean shit and I might as well pack the family up and move back to SC and be unemployed like everyone else.
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Unscared of Hills
12 years ago
5 comments:
All things happen for a reason, they play into the grand schema we call life. Don't think of what you have been doing for the past 8 years as a waste.
Things will change yes, but things will come back together for you one day. Never give up on your dreams. Dreams sometimes are all people have to hold on to at times. I am sure it is not the only thing in your case.
You have 2 beautiful girls on the way. Things need to be scarified right now, but I am sure in the long run your dream of become the working , successful artist that you want to be will become a reality. Things will fall into place for you & your family, so don't give up or give in...keep on doing what you love, even if it is on the smallest scale.
"It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness." -- Seneca
Who is this? It's alot easier to heed advice if one knows where it's coming from.
This all does seem to suck right now. But you know, our dreams often change. When our girls get here, we will make new, different dreams for them. It will no longer be about us. I know it is easy to say because I am doing what I love but just because you don't have a physical place to call KendallProjects, it IS your first born, one you will never give up. It isn't a dream because Kendallprojects is already here. It is just going to take a little longer for it to mature. Another Rosieism, it is what it is. Remember, every gambler knows that the secret to survival is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep. Without being too cheesy with these words, you will always have a golden thread, no one can take that away from you. I love you!
I am feeling deeply for you as I know how hard it is to make those "adult decisions". As we take the lifelong vow of parenthood, that does mean at times we are called on to make sacrifices. This year we sold the airplane I bought years ago, and my pilot's license is now a meaningless scrap of paper in my wallet. It is hard to set these dreams aside, even if we think it may only be temporary.
But this I know, these two things:
1) What you have been doing is not in any way a waste of time. It's part of your own unique journey and it may yet have much influence and a role in your future that you can't yet see.
and
2) Children are worth every single sacrifice we make for them and then some. A friend of ours told us before our first child was born that we didn't know yet what love truly was, and she was so right. The love you feel for a child is such a pure and selfless love, it obliterates all in its path. You would throw yourself in front of a truck for this love. So in a way, that does make the many sacrifices so much easier.
Sending many warm wishes your way as you work through the pain of your loss. May you find the path to keeping your dreams alive.
Thanks Robin (aka Ironmom) The insight is much appreciated. I know everything will change when the twins get here and I'm sure I'll say your right, again.
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